“V. No More Crumbs” – From “The Dawning of the True Self”
This very passionate essay gives a perfect example of how I felt during that specific time period. The original image came out of one of the sessions with Julie, but I remember extending it and including a much broader sense of the smallness I felt during that time. It was written in 2008 during a time when I realized, possibly for the first time, just how distorted my view of myself was.
There is a line in A Course In Miracles I find myself thinking about often these days: “You don’t expect too much from life but far too little.” As I look at myself, I realize that, right now, I am accepting crumbs. I have to admit that, by and large, I am content with the scraps and leftovers of life. I am cowering under a table that is filled with everything imaginable, but waiting for pieces here and there to drop to the floor—barely enough to survive yet not quite enough to live. I mean this on all levels: emotionally in relationships with others, physically with money and work, and spiritually. I am too embarrassed and too ashamed to stand up and join the beautifully set table in the large magnificent dining hall of life.
All my brothers and sisters are there. This meal, provided to us by love itself, has everything we need and plenty of it. But my thoughts still evolve around the idea that I am not a prince among princes but a thief, unworthy of lifting my eyes and beholding the sheer beauty of life’s promise. I can barely function in this self proclaimed state of being. How could I? I am not made to cower. I am made to stand up with my head held high—not to distinguish myself from others but to join them in their magnificence. I am not made for scraps. I am made to accept my inheritance, my glorious self, our glorious Self.
I could join my family at the table. But right now, I’m angry instead. Angry at the crumbs, angry at the ones who drop them, angry at myself for letting me get to this point of unrewarding existence within my tiny kingdom of lies. They are lies, for at some point I traded true magnitude for littleness. They are lies because I am content with scraps so I can blame “them” for not giving me enough. I accept the lie within me that it is my fate to live this way. Who am I to get up and take my rightful place at the table? Who am I to betray all the others who are down here with me waiting for scraps themselves? Who will I be without this gaping hole within my soul? This reminds me of Emmilou Harris’s song “Orphan Girl”: “But when he calls me I will be able to meet my family at God’s table. I’ll meet my mother, my father, my sister, my brother. No more an orphan girl.”
Truth is it is freedom I fear. It is love and it is freedom. It is true happiness that sends cold shivers down my spine. I am accepting crumbs, for my inheritance as a child of God is too threatening for me to accept. “It is time for the frog to become a prince,” a friend once told me. I am still waiting… waiting for a miracle to come. But while I wait for myself, I declare here and now that I will no longer accept the crumbs but that I will rather fix my eyes at the empty chair at the table. That I will stand up and accept my true identity: a prince, beloved son of a loving Father within a Kingdom ruled by Love Itself.
The Dawning of the True Self compares the spiritual journey hidden in the fable The Three Feathers to our own search for who and what we are in truth. As such it is a guide to our own journey, from the small self—the self we experience now—to our true self—the magnificent self that awaits us at the journey’s end. At the beginning of it all stands one question, asked in many forms, in different ways and in countless languages. It is this question that signifies the beginning of our search. The question is: Who am I? In order to find the answer, we must leave the confines of our small self and go on a journey of discovery, across the treacherous terrain of our unconscious mind and to our destination—the dawning of our true Self within us.
E-book will be live on Amazon Thursday March 21st.
From the Foreword:
Thank you for picking up The Dawning of the True Self. The idea for this book came during the writing of The Three Feathers—a fable about Joshua Aylong, a rooster, who leaves his home to follow a powerful dream. While writing it, I realized that Joshua’s journey was not only very much like my own quest but was also possibly a metaphor for the journey many of us are on. That journey is the journey from our small self—the self we know and experience right now—to the magnificent Self we all search and yearn for, albeit maybe unconsciously.
I have found over the years that there is not a single soul on earth who isn’t searching. We all yearn for something we can’t grasp; something more than what is in front of us each day. We sense deep inside that none of what we ever thought would make us happy really did. Part of us still hopes that it will. But there is another part that knows with absolute certainty that only if and when we find who and what we are in truth—if and when we find our true Self again—will we experience true happiness.
With The Three Feathers as a blue print, part one, The Three Feathers—A Spiritual Journey, describes one possible path, from beginning to end; from the dream that there must be more to life than what we see in front of us each day, to the perilous search, the dangerous path into the unknown, and on to the magnificent conclusion—the moment when we find our true Self once more.
Joshua’s journey in The Three Feathers can be interpreted in many ways and my interpretation might not, by any means, be your own. It is an interpretation based on my own spiritual journey, the symbols that helped me, and the thought systems I have studied and learned over the last twenty years.
Part two, Between Two Worlds, describes part of my own path as it relates to this book. It includes poems, short stories and essays that were inspired, for the most part, by guided, imaginary journeys I undertook as part of my own healing process.
Part three provides an in-depth discussion of how The Three Feathers came about, what inspired the book and how it all happened. You might find this part helpful if you are interested in writing in general or have read the book and want to know more about the process.
It is not necessary that you have read The Three Feathers to benefit from this book. There are, however, a good amount of references in here, as it attempts to compare Joshua’s journey in The Three Feathers to our own.
It is my sincere hope that you will find the following explanations helpful for your own search and that this reaches you in a way that will propel you forward toward the direction of your own Self discovery. I am extending my gratitude to you in sharing this part of your journey with me. To frame it in words of Ludwig Van Beethoven’s first page of the Missa Solemnis,
From the heart, may it go to the heart.